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A Star Bores and More: The Worst Films of 2018

 

Mercifully, I had trouble coming up with 10 solid candidates for a Worst Films of 2018 list. Maybe I’ve gotten better at sniffing out the stinkers and avoiding them before I waste my time seeing them (hello and goodbye, Mortal Engines and Welcome to Marwen!) But I managed to find a 10-pack of patience testers.

10. Mary Poppins Returns A spoonful of sugar? More like a spoonful of treacle! (Gluttons for punishment can click on the highlighted titles for longer reviews.)

9. Holmes & Watson As another fake British duo — Spinal Tap’s David St. Hubbins (Michael McKean) and Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest) — once said, it’s such a fine line between clever and stupid. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly’s brainless spoof of Sherlock and his sidekick tramples that line into dust.

8. Bel Canto Julianne Moore is less than meets the eye (and ears) as an opera singer — her voice was badly dubbed by Renee Fleming — who’s taken hostage in South America in director Chris Weitz’s deeply off-key adaptation of Ann Patchett’s best-selling novel. You’ll feel like you’re being held captive too.

7. What They Had Four fine actors — Hilary Swank, Michael Shannon, Blythe Danner and Robert Forster — are stranded in a mawkish family drama about dementia that was written and directed by another actor, Elizabeth Chomko, who should’ve never given up her day job. What they had is a cinematic turd.

6. Avengers: Infinity War It sure felt like infinity. I would rather pass a kidney stone than spend another two-and-a-half hours watching this brutally dull tale of Thanos’ quest for the five Infinity Stones. Or something.

5. Solo: A Star Wars Story The charmless Alden Ehrenreich, a.k.a. the even poorer man’s Hayden Christensen, can’t achieve liftoff in substitute director Ron Howard’s relentlessly brown snooze-apalooza. Even with the always-welcome presence of Chewbacca, it’s a Wookiee mistake.

4. A Star is Born “Five Reasons Why ‘A Star is Born’ Sucks” was by far my most popular — and divisive — post on my blog this year. The hardest part for me was limiting it to five reasons.

3. I Feel Pretty Someone smarter and more woke than me needs to write an essay about the spate of movies in which women suffer violent blows to the head and wake up to find their life has changed for the better: the upcoming What Women Want (with Taraji P. Henson) and Isn’t It Romantic? (with Rebel Wilson) and this tone-deaf Amy Schumer farce. It’s about as much fun as a concussion.

2. The Death of Stalin Or, as I like to call it, The Death of Comedy. The only film I walked out of this year, director Armando Iannucci’s Soviet satire is as slow and witless as his most famous former creation, Veep, is quick and sharp. I’d sooner spend time in a stalag than be forced to finish this joyless slog.

1. Red Sparrow From Russia with Hate: I’d be better off dead than watching Red again. I liked the tale of an Eastern European undercover operative who pretends to be attracted to powerful sleazebags better the first time when it was called The Melania Trump Story. SAD!

What were your least favorite films of 2018?

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Virtue and Vice: The Best Films of 2018

2018 was a strange year in cinema: The best movies seemingly grouped themselves to represent several fascinating trends. Rather than compiling a traditional top-10 list, I’ve gathered my favorite films into a few categories, organized by theme — along with one delightfully unclassifiable anomaly.

Remarkable sequels. It’s the Godfather, Part II rule: sequels rarely surpass the original. Yet The Incredibles 2, Creed II and the criminally underrated The Equalizer 2 brought new depth to the characters while displaying the bravura filmmaking skills of directors Brad Bird, Steven Caple Jr. and Antoine Fuqua. I’d gladly line up for a third installment of each of these surprisingly robust franchises.

Exhilarating documentaries. The two previous words aren’t often grouped, but RBG, Itzhak and Won’t You Be My Neighbor? restored my faith in humanity with inspiring portraits of the deeply humane Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Itzhak Perlman and Mister Fred Rogers. Kudos to directors Betsy West and Julie Cohen, Alison Chernick and Morgan Neville for proving protagonists don’t need to be dark to be profoundly compelling.

Independent spirits. Stories of rebels who refuse to conform to societal expectations provided some of the year’s best drama: Ethan Hawke as a tortured pastor in Paul Schrader’s First Reformed; Carey Mulligan as an unfaithful wife and mother in Paul Dano’s Wildlife; Robert Redford as an unrepentant bank robber in David Lowery’s The Old Man and the Gun; and Rachel Weisz and Rachel McAdams as taboo-shattering Jewish women in Sebastián Leilo’s Disobedience thrilled me in wildly different ways.

Actress showcases. Ms. Mulligan, Weisz and McAdams weren’t the only female performers who blew me away in lead roles. Melissa McCarthy, Nicole Kidman and Kelly Macdonald brilliantly reinvented themselves as a misanthropic literary forger in Marielle Heller’s Can You Ever Forgive Me?, a haunted former undercover cop in Karyn Kusama’s Destroyer; and a mousy housewife-turned-jigsaw genius in Marc Turtletaub’s Puzzle, respectively. In each cases, all the pieces fit together perfectly.

Black power. The three greatest films I saw in 2018 dealt with race in bracingly head-on fashion. Ryan Coogler’s Black Panther, Spike Lee’s Black KkKlansman and Boots Riley’s Sorry to Bother You could hardly be more diverse tonally. Panther is a simply marvelous superhero movie. KkKlansman is a devastating social commentary hiding beneath the guise of a buddy-cop movie. Sorry is an audacious comedy with a truly radical soul. Each, in their own way, is genuinely revolutionary.

And then there’s Vice. Adam McKay’s hellzapoppin’ Dick Cheney biopic throws everything against the wall, and it nearly all sticks, from a profane opening disclaimer to fake-out end credits. Christian Bale’s transformative performance must be some kind of acting alchemy; he’s subsumed into the character. Somehow McKay and Bale convince us that this man of many heart attacks actually has a heart, then they break our hearts by showing us that he really doesn’t. It’s the very definition of a Dick pic.

What were your favorite films of 2018?

5 Reasons Mary Poppins Returns Doesn’t Fly

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I wanted to like Mary Poppins Returns. I really did. I tried hard to enjoy it while I was watching it, and it was almost fun. But not quite. It was fun-adjacent. It’s not not fun. But it’s not fun. Why not? Let me count the reasons.

  1. The old people and the kids are great; everyone in between, not so much. The undeniable highlights of Mary Poppins Returns are the musical numbers featuring Meryl Streep, Angela Lansbury and Dick Van Dyke. The problem is they only get one number each, and they all come relatively late in the two-hour-plus film. Julie Walters (as the Banks’ aging maid), David Warner (as their nutty neighbor) are good, but peripheral. The kids who play the three Banks children are all adorable; not great singers nor dancers, but adorable. That leaves everyone else, like…
  2. Emily Blunt is too blunt. She got the snippy part right but forgot the character’s charm (or maybe the script did). Granted, Julie Andrews leaves some big boots to fill, but Blunt lacks magic. She doesn’t enter the film soon enough, and when she does, she doesn’t really advance the plot. She does a few tricks here and there, but she’s mostly an observer. Yes, Mary Poppins Returns… but she doesn’t do much.
  3. Lin-Manuel Miranda is miscast. His British accent makes Dick Van Dyke’s legendarily awful Cockney brogue in the original sound like Sir Laurence Olivier. The songs, which are mostly forgettable, don’t suit his Hamiltonian vocal style either. And he has negative chemistry with Emily Mortimer as the grown Jane Banks.
  4. The plot doesn’t pay off. It’s a rather depressing story about financial anxiety: The grown Michael Banks (Ben Whishaw, trying his best) is about to lose his home to the bank. If I wanted to worry about the economy, I would’ve stayed home and watched CNN. And Colin Firth is so over-the-top as the evil banker, you feel sorry for his mustache because he twists it so much.
  5. It’s all too paint-by-numbers. You can hear the gears grinding as the Disney machine makes sure the sequel checks every box of beloved moments from the original. Animated/live action hybrid musical sequence? Check. (But it makes no sense.) Nonsense song, a la “Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious”? Check. (But it’s not catchy.) Mary Poppins even looks in the mirror at one point and pronounces herself “Practically perfect in every way.” Therein lies the problem: Mary Poppins Returns is imperfect in practically every way.

Oscar Front Runners Come to Virginia

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It’s fitting that the 2018 Virginia Film Festival closed with The Front Runner, the Gary Hart biopic starring Hugh Jackman. Unlike in the past, when the fest mostly offered dark horses that came up short in the Oscar race (e.g. last year’s Downsizing and Hostiles), the VFF served up a number of leading Academy Awards contenders.

The opening-night attraction, Green Book, seems destined to earn Best Actor nods for Mahershala Ali and Viggo Mortensen. They’re note-perfect as Dr. Don Shirley, an African-American pianist, and Tony Lip, his Italian-American driver on a concert tour through the Deep South in 1962. It’s Driving Miss Daisy in reverse, and while it’s not the most sophisticated take on race in America, it’s hugely entertaining and could go a long way in the Best Picture category.  Peter Farrelly, best known for making lowbrow comedies like There’s Something About Mary and Dumb and Dumber with his brother Bobby, might win a spot in the Best Director ranks, although he’s less likely to take home the statuette than two other filmmakers whose new work was shown at VAFF.

One is Yorgos Lanthimos, whose period comedy The Favourite I reviewed favorably when it played at the New York Film Festival. The other is Roma, whose true star is director Alfonso Cuarón. The autobiographical drama is drawn on his memories of growing up in Mexico City in the early ’70s and being raised by a nanny (played here by Yalitza Aparicio, a lock for a Best Actress nom). Shot in gorgeous black-and-white and deliberately paced, it’s a film that grows on you gradually and builds to a powerful impact. It faces some challenges commercially — including the fact that it’s a foreign-language film and will open only in limited theaters before streaming on Netflix — but it figures to be a major player on Oscar night.

So, too, will be Willem Dafoe, whose performance as Vincent Van Gogh in At Eternity’s Gate could bring him the Oscar he deserved last year for The Florida Project. Artist-turned-director Julian Schnabel’s film can be like watching paint dry at times, but Dafoe’s work is indelible. It even earned unmitigated praise from Christoph Waltz, who sat for a typically prickly but fascinating Q&A with Rain Man and Breaking Bad producer Mark Johnson, a UVA grad and the chairman of VAFF’s advisory board. Waltz amusingly refused to answer questions about what it felt like to win two Oscars, what it was like working with Quentin Tarantino on  Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained, and why he’s so good at playing charming but evil villains.

VAFF also screened a number of high-quality documentaries, including Charlottesville, a devastating examination of the deadly violence that broke out during the alt-right’s rally in August 2017. It was all the more disturbing to view only blocks away from the location where the anti-white supremacist protestor Heather Heyer was killed. An enlightening look at the cultural forces that led to this tragedy was provided by Divide and Conquer: The Roger Ailes Story, Alexis Bloom’s film about the rise and fall of Fox News Channel founder Roger Ailes. He emerges as compelling and complicated of a character as I’ve seen in any scripted film this year.

I wasn’t able to stay long enough to see The Front Runner or If Beale Street Could Talk, director Barry Jenkins’ follow-up to his Oscar-winning Moonlight. But I left the 2018 Virginia Film Festival excited for next year’s Academy Awards — and VAFF.

Why “Boy” #WontBeErased at the Oscars

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The timing wasn’t lost on me that I caught a screening of Boy Erased on the same day the hashtag #WontBeErased went viral in response to the Trump administration’s attempt to define gender as immutable and determined at birth by genitalia. Writer-director Joel Edgerton’s quietly moving adaptation of Garrard Conley’s memoir about his experience in a gay-conversion program may technically be defined as a period piece — the events depicted took place in the early 2000s — but it couldn’t be timelier.

That could help Boy Erased become a major Oscar contender. At the very least, Edgerton’s fellow Aussies Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman seem like locks for supporting nods. As the parents of the title character (renamed Jared and played by Lucas Hedges), Crowe and Kidman give flesh and blood to figures who could have been cardboard stereotypes: a Baptist minister/car salesman and his traditionalist wife. Even though they place their son in an environment that could be psychologically and physically harmful, the film doesn’t demonize them. They’re flawed people, doing the best they can, and their depiction is a powerful lesson in humanism.

In addition to his duties behind the camera, which he executes with impressive skill — the film is a leap forward from his feature directorial debut, the 2015 thriller The Gift — Edgerton plays the program’s leader. He shows great restraint in not turning this guy into a mustache-twirling villain, even after the depths to which he will sink are revealed. Edgerton seems a more likely candidate for the Best Adapted Screenplay and Director races, but he could join Crowe in the supporting actor category as well.

Hedges’ performance may be judged too low-key to merit a Best Actor nod (plus, he could be competing against himself as Julia Roberts’ opioid-addicted son in Ben is Back). But he scored a supporting nomination for a similarly underplayed turn in 2016’s Manchester by the Sea, so I wouldn’t count him out yet.

Boy Erased opens on Nov. 2, just five days before the midterm elections that will affect the rights of LGBTQ people. I hope it reaches people in red and blue states alike. Unlike too many current politicians. this film isn’t just preaching to the choir.

 

Halloween & Suspiria: The Horror, The Horror

halloween-movie-suspiria-michael-myers-dakota-johnson-1130791-1280x0Horror films, like comedies, don’t necessarily age well. What was scary 40 years ago might seem tame or even silly by today’s gory standards. An exception to that rule is John Carpenter’s 1978 classic Halloween — I recently wrote an oral history of the film for The New York Times, timed to coincide with director David Gordon Green’s sequel, and rewatching it over and over to research the piece, it never failed to terrify me. The simplicity and precision of Carpenter’s approach and the care with which he and co-writer Debra Hill developed the characters so you actually care about them stands the test of time, as does Carpenter’s simple yet deeply unsettling score.

I also watched, for the first time, director Dario Argento’s 1977 cult favorite Suspiria in preparation to see the remake by Call Me By Your Name filmmaker Luca Guadagnino. And I’m sorry to say the original, seen through 2018 eyes, seems horrible in all of the worst ways: campy, overdone, fake-looking and most of all, not scary.

So I had very different hopes going in to the new versions of Halloween and Suspiria, and in both cases, my expectations were upended. The new Halloween is a self-referential homage to the original, slavishly recreating signature shots, but it’s too meta to be be truly scary and too mindlessly violent to work as a lark.

What’s good about the new Halloween is what’s good about the old Halloween — namely, Jamie Lee Curtis, who’s only grown fiercer as she’s transformed from a feisty, virginal babysitter to a vengeful, gun-toting grandmother; the relentless yet somehow graceful character of Michael Myers (originally played by Nick Castle, who makes a cameo in the 2018 version), the bogeyman who can’t be stopped; and Carpenter’s score, which recurs thoughout the reboot.

What’s not so good about the new Halloween is almost everything else. Judy Greer is a likable performer but feels miscast as Curtis’ skeptical daughter, and Andi Matichek is a non-entity as Curtis’ granddaughter. The murders are often random and therefore meaningless, as if Green and co-writers Danny McBride and Jeff Fradley were worried the audience would get bored unless Michael slayed someone every five minutes or so. And the ending is a shrug, as opposed to the original’s haunting coda.

The new Suspiria, on the other hand, improves on its predecessor in almost every way except for one very important one. Aside from the basic premise — a young American dancer joins a troupe in Germany that’s thought to house a coven of witches — there’s almost nothing carried over from Argento’s incarnation. Except, that is, Jessica Harper, whose performance in the lead back in 1977 is the sole element that remains in any way modern and believable. She returns in a small but pivotal role late in the 2018 Suspiria, but her part has been taken over by Dakota Johnson.

That’s a disastrous casting decision. Guadagnino worked with Johnson previously on one of my least favorite films of recent years, A Bigger Splash, and he appears to sense some depth in her which is not apparent to me. She was fine as a sitcom lead on Fox’s too-short-lived Ben and Kate, but making three Fifty Shades of Grey films seems to have ruined her as an actress. She’s terminally insipid — and not a great dancer, to boot. Many of her scenes appear to have been done by body doubles. If Johnson were an amazing acting talent, that would be understandable, but she’s not.

Tilda Swinton, by contrast, acts circles around Johnson in a dual role as her devilish dance teacher and — under heavy prosthetics and the pseudonym of Lutz Ebersdorf — a male psychiatrist who suspects supernatural doings at the dance academy. It’s a gimmick, yes, but one that works brilliantly. Depending on Academy rules, Swinton could become the first performer nominated for best supporting actress and actor.

Guadagnino’s Suspiria is overlong (more than two-and-a-half hours, compared to Argento’s 98 minutes) and self-indulgent, but it builds to a truly mesmerizing climax unlike anything I’ve ever seen on film. I was left shaken, which what a horror film should do. The new Halloween, sadly, just made me numb. In short, it’s a cheap trick, whereas Suspiria 2018 is an unexpected treat.

My Own Private High Anxiety

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The author in high school, 1983

“It must be hell inside this guy’s head.” That’s what one of the commenters wrote in response to my recent post Five Reasons ‘A Star is Born’ Sucks. And you know what? She’s right. Not about A Star is Born — it does suck (in my opinion, with which you’re free to disagree). But it is sometimes hell inside my head, and on this, World Mental Health Day… I know, there’s a day for everything these days, but this one seems worthwhile… I think it’s time to give you a peek inside my infernal noggin.

I’ve dealt with mental-health issues my entire life: anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, however you want to diagnose it. When I was in Kindergarten, I cried so much because I missed my mom and I had such a mad crush on my teacher (who now lives next door to my father, but that’s another story) that they sent me to see the school psychologist. I didn’t know he was a psychologist. To me, he was just Mr. Sargent.

He was my own personal Mister Rogers. Mr. Sargent had a puppet — a dolphin named Duso — and I was encouraged to share my feelings with this felt Flipper. I did, and I stopped crying. Thank you, Mr. Sargent, and Duso, wherever you are.

(I just now learned that Duso was part of a program called Developing an Understanding of Self and Others that later riled conservative parents in Lake County, Florida, among other places. The magic of Google! )

Through school, I used my anxiety to fuel my overachievement. I always got good grades, but I often felt bad about myself. I looked to others  — especially girlfriends — to make me feel better about myself. When those relationships inevitably ended, I’d be crushed and go into deep depressions. After one particularly painful breakup,  I felt suicidal and spent a month in a mental hospital over Winter break in Charlottesville.

The staff didn’t know what to do with me. The rest of the patients were locals (all the students were home for the holidays), and my problems were different from theirs. I’d try to talk to my fellow residents, but the conversations went like this.

RED SHIFFLETTE (note: this is a pseudonym for another patient) Why are you in here?

ME: I have problems with women.

RED: Oh. You mean, you hit ’em?

ME: No, I just don’t understand them.

Red walks away.

I didn’t talk much in group therapy, and there wasn’t much time for individual therapy, so it was judged that I was not progressing. The doctors diagnosed me with manic depression (even though I’d never felt manic), put me on Lithium and sent me home.

The drug zoned me out. I took a semester off, moved back in with my parents and worked in a record store, shuffling up and down the aisles like an extra from Night of the Living Dead.

I started seeing a psychiatrist for weekly talk therapy and medication monitoring, and he concluded I had been misdiagnosed and tapered me off the Lithium. That made me feel more like myself again — my depressed, anxious self — and as a talk therapist, he left something to be desired. One of our sessions went like this:

DR. BALLOON (again, a pseudonym) So, what seems to be the problem?

ME: I don’t understand women.

DR. BALLOON: Yeah, they’ve got it easy. The pressure is all on us men. Women just have to lie back and enjoy it.

I walk away.

I went back to school and finished, then moved to New York City and had to face my greatest fear: being alone. I’d always lived with someone — my parents, my roommates, my girlfriends — and I never felt safe without somebody else in the house. I traced this fear back to my childhood epilepsy.

I’d had seizures in the middle of the night starting in elementary school. I only had a few before my parents took me to a neurologist who put me on Dilantin, which controlled them. But I was always terrified another one was going to strike, and what would I do if I were all alone with no one to soothe me?

As epileptic seizures go, mine were pretty mild: petit mal, as they were called. I was never in danger of choking on my tongue, but the sensation of waking up from a dead sleep and realizing my brain was not communicating with the rest of my body is the most frightening experience I’ve ever endured. “MOVE!” my brain would tell my arm. It wouldn’t move. “KICK!” my brain would tell my leg. It wouldn’t kick. I felt a sensation like the pins and needles you get when a limb falls asleep, but over my entire body. It lasted for a few minutes, which felt like a few hours, and then subsided.

I felt a deep sense of shame about the seizures. I didn’t want anyone to know I had them. My parents worried about me having a seizure when they weren’t there to comfort me through it, so I wasn’t allowed to sleep over at friends’ houses or go away to camp. When I was in high school, a bully who sat behind me in Spanish class peeked at my medical records in the school nurse’s office and threatened to expose me as an epileptic. I spent the rest of the year with a feeling of dread in my stomach.

My response to this fear of sleeping alone was to jump into relationships with women, whether they were right for me or not, just so that I’d have someone there to take care of me in case I needed it. Even after I outgrew my childhood epilepsy and my EEGs came back clear, the phobia was deep-seated. So I got married too young, and to the wrong person. And that only led to more anxiety and depression.

These days, I’m doing pretty well. I underwent years of intensive psychotherapy with one of the best doctors in Manhattan, and I’m on meds that seems to be working. I’ve been happily divorced for more than a dozen years, I’ve got a couple of great kids, and I love my work. I get paid to watch movies and TV shows and write about them and interview the people who make them. What’s not to love?

But I still struggle with moodswings, although there have been many more highs than lows lately. At least the highs feel good when I’m having them, and my mania manifests itself in relatively harmless ways: I buy way too may Pez dispensers, say. I still have my lows, too, but they’re not as low as they used to be.

And every now and then when I feel out of control, I ask myself: What would Duso do?