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10 Reasons I Won’t See ‘New Year’s Eve’

December 9, 2011

When Bret Watson and I shut down the Two Cranky Guys blog, I no longer felt the need to uphold its mission statement to “wade through the crap so you don’t have to.” But that’s only one of the reasons why I won’t be seeing New Year’s Eve. Let the countdown begin!

10. Garry Marshall directed it. The sitcoms he produced in the ’70s (like The Odd Couple and Laverne & Shirley) brought me many happy days. But he’s a better actor (in films like Albert Brooks’ Lost in America and his sister Penny’s A League of Their Own) than he is a director—not unlike Sydney Pollack in that respect. He made a few good films in the ’80s (like The Flamingo Kid and Nothing in Common), but ever since Pretty Woman, it’s been pretty ugly. And I mean Rosie O’Donnell-in-a-dominatrix-outfit ugly. Or didn’t you subject yourself to Exit to Eden?

9. Sarah Jessica Parker’s in it. suffered through I Don’t Know How She Does Itat least as much of it as I could stomach—and no straight man should have to endure more than one SJP flick in a single calendar year.

8. Seth Meyers is in it. Don’t get me wrong—I love him on SNL. But it depresses the hell out of me that he’s doing the kind of brainless rom-coms he should be mocking, like this and… yes, I Don’t Know How She Does It. Not since Jimmy Fallon hailed Queen Latifah in Taxi has a “Weekend Update” anchor taken such a wrong turn.

7. Zac Efron’s in it. No straight man should have to endure a Zac Efron flick. Ever.

6. Katherine Heigl’s in it. Okay, I think you’re starting to get the point…

5. But one more: Robert De Niro’s in it. Just when you thought he couldn’t sink lower than Little Fockers.

4. I’m boycotting Hilary Swank movies since she went to that Chechen war criminal’s birthday party.  And now she’s given him a new weapon of torture!

3. I’m not comfortable seeing Little Miss Sunshine‘s Abigail Breslin flash her bra. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that the little girl from The Piano now goes topless in almost every episode of True Blood.

2. Ninety-five percent of America’s movie critics can’t be wrong—or can they? I try to avoid cinematic groupthink, but I’m going to take Rottentomatoes.com‘s aggregated word for it this time. (My ex-EW colleague Owen Gleiberman called it “dunderheaded kitsch”—and he was one of the only critics who liked it! )

1. I don’t even enjoy the real New Year’s Eve—why would I want to see a movie abut it? It’s No. 1 on my list of most overrated holidays. Who wants to be surrounded by drunks at some loud party for an entire evening just so you can celebrate for a few seconds? The best times I’ve had on New Year’s Eve have been watching movies, whether it was introducing my kids to Young Frankenstein or catching a revival of The Apartment at Film Forum with an old friend. What better way to start a new year than by watching a great comedy? Which is why this New Year’s Eve, you won’t catch me watching New Year’s Eve.

Will you be celebrating New Year’s Eve this weekend? Post a comment and tell me why—or why not.

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9 Comments
  1. I agree with every reason you listed!

    • bruceafretts permalink

      It was hard to limit it to 10. After all, Lea Michele and Jim Belushi are in it, too.

  2. KXB permalink

    I’m with you on #4- Hilary Skank is an even WORSE hunan being than her acting was in Amelia (among many others)…

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