Six Reasons I’m Scared to See “The Devil Inside”
How’s this for a shocker: the microbudgeted, star-free exorcism flick The Devil Inside conjured up $35 million this weekend, topping megabucks blockbusters Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I suppose that means I should go see it, but… I’m scared. And not just because it’s a horror movie. Here’s why:
1. Exorcism movies freak me out. They always have. I’m a devotee of ’70s American cinema, but I’ve never seen The Exorcist. I tried to watch it on cable when I was in junior high school, but my parents didn’t have HBO, so I had to squint through a sea of fuzzy black-and-white lines. The sound effects alone terrified me. If I’d actually been able to see the images, my head probably would’ve spun around.
2. I’ve never heard of anybody who’s in it. Call me old-fashioned, but I go to the movies to see movie stars. (I made an exception for In the Land of Blood and Honey, but only because Angelina Jolie directed it.) The cast list of The Devil Inside—Fernanda Andrade, Evan Helmuth, Ionut Grama—just looks like a random assemblage of letters. For a minute, I thought I’d heard of Simon Quarterman, then I realized I was confusing him with Allan Quartermain, the character played by Richard Chamberlain in the King Solomon’s Mines movies of the ’80s.
3. It’s another one of those “found footage” horror movies. It was a clever idea when The Blair Witch Project invented it—in the last century. But after 13 years and countless ripoffs, including three Paranormal Activities, the shaky-cam format has become nauseating for all the wrong reasons. The Devil Inside isn’t even the first Satanic-possession-themed pseudo-documentary—that’d be 2010’s ironically titled The Last Exorcism. Guess the devil made them do it again…
4. It’s named after an INXS song. The last movie I saw that shared a title with a hit by the late Michael Hutchence’s band was 2001’s Original Sin, starring… Angelina Jolie. She was naked in it. A lot. And I still felt like I was the one being punished.
5. Nobody will see it with me. I generally don’t enjoy horror movies—kinda like the way I don’t enjoy rollercoasters. But the only times I’ve had fun is when I’ve seen them with someone, whether it’s a date who buries her head in my chest or my friend A.J.—who screamed like a little girl along with me when we saw the original Child’s Play in college. But now that I can’t force Bret Watson to see bad movies with me for our defunct blog, Two Cranky Guys, I’d be flying solo. Then again, A.J. is coming to visit next weekend…
6. I’m scared it’s going to suck. According to Cinemscore, more people gave The Devil Inside an F than an A Still, it can’t be a more hellish moviegoing experience than Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close… can it?
Are you brave enough to see The Devil Inside? Don’t be afraid to post a comment!