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Four Reasons I Vow Not to See “The Vow”

February 9, 2012

Box-office analysts are predicting a huge Valentine’s Day weekend haul for The Vow, the Channing Tatum-Rachel McAdams weeper that women across America are plotting to drag their guys to see. Reese Witherspoon’s rom-com This Means War has surrendered, delaying its release a few days to get out of the way of this “date movie” behemoth. But I swear I won’t be contributing to The Vow‘s big bow, and here’s why.

1. Channing Tatum’s in it. I declared myself a “Tatum hater” after suffering through his wooden performance in Haywire, and my antipathy towards him only intensified after his painfully inept guest-hosting stint on Saturday Night Live last weekend. I’m already planning to boycott Magic Mike, the male-stripper movie that will reunite him with Steven Soderbergh, too.

2. I feel like I’ve already seen the movie from the trailer. I’ve endured this preview so many times, the only way I can amuse myself is to yell, “Watch out—you’re going to get hit by a truck!” before the accident that causes Rachel McAdams to develop amnesia. I wish I could erase my memory of sitting through this trailer.

3. It depresses the hell out of me (for different reasons) that Jessica Lange and Scott Speedman are in this movie. Anyone who wants to understand why great actresses of a certain age are doing TV series now need only look at the juicy, award-winning work Lange has done on FX’s American Horror Story and compare it to her role as McAdams’ stiff mom. (She no doubt did this film as a favor to Michael Sucsy, who directed her in HBO’s Emmy-winning Grey Gardens and makes his big-screen debut here.) Meanwhile, who told Scott Speedman he could be a movie star? As if his role as Kate Beckinsale’s undying love in the Underworld movies weren’t absurd enough, now he’s the former fiancé who comes between McAdams and Tatum. If I had placed on bet on which of Felicity‘s Scotts would be working on the big screen a decade later, I’d have gone with Foley. Speedman is like Patrick Dempsey Lite. And it doesn’t get much Lite-r than Patrick Dempsey.

4. I’m a dude. ‘Nuff said.

Will you promise not to see The Vow? Speak now, or forever hold your peace!

 

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