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My War on “This Means War”!

February 15, 2012

I’m adding another title to my growing list of Movies I Refuse to See (don’t see also New Year’s Eve, Chipwrecked, The Devil InsideOne for the Money and The Vow): This Means War. Reese Witherspoon’s latest post-Oscar bad career move—I’ll never forgive or forget Water for Elephants—needs to pick a genre and stick with it: Is it an action flick or a rom-com? You can’t have it both ways. I know, they’re trying to attract men and women in equal numbers, but that’s often a way to satisfy nobody.

And what’s with the poster’s tagline: “It’s Spy Against Spy”? Did they not want to pay MAD Magazine for the rights to the phrase “Spy Vs. Spy”? Plus, who told Chris Pine he could be a movie star? Just because he played Capt. Kirk in Star Trek and second fiddle to Denzel (a la Ryan Reynolds in Safe House) in Unstoppable doesn’t make him anything more than a poor man’s Chris Evans. And he’s pretty poor to begin with.

Tom Hardy, on the other hand, is a badass. Just check him out in Warrior, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Inception and the trailer for The Dark Knight Rises. (And if you still don’t believe me, watch Bronson on Netflix and get back to me.) So what’s he doing in a creampuff movie like this one? You don’t see Jason Statham wooing Katherine Heigl in romantic comedies—with good reason.

And then there’s the Chelsea Handler problem. I don’t watch her unfunny late-night talk show (Chelsea Lately), her “unscripted” E! comedy series (After Lately) or her ungodly NBC sitcom (Are You There, Chelsea?), so why would I pay to see her in a theater? Apparently some of her naughtier quips had to be cut to avert an R rating; if only they’d pulled a James Gandolfini on her and excised her from the entire flick. And what are real actresses like Angela Bassett and Rosemary Harris doing here? Getting wasted, I’m guessing—and no, I don’t mean it the way Chelsea gets wasted.

So this means war, This Means War. (Sorry, McG, but you haven’t made a good movie since the first Charlie’s Angels, and to tell you the truth, I always thought your name was silly anyway.) I’ll sooner see Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. At least I know Nic Cage will provide a few laughs, unintentional or not.

Are you boycotting This Means War? Fire away with a comment!

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  1. chandlerswainreviews permalink

    I don’t know if boycotting is the right word, but paying it no attention probably comes to the same thing.

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