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“Wrath of the Titans”: Release the Wise-Kraaken!

March 30, 2012

Bruce Fretts: The Kraaken’s not back, but Perseus, Zeus and the rest of the gods, demi-gods and monsters return in Wrath of the Titans. Normally, I review sword-and-sandal crap like this with my pal Nancy Bilyeau, but now she’s a busy best-selling author, so in lieu of Bilyeau, I’ve enlisted my 15-year-old son, Jed. The question is, Jed: Hit or myth?

Jed: (claps and laughs out loud sarcastically) You! I don’t know—is there something in between?

Bruce: Were there things you actually liked about it? We saw Clash of the Titans together two years ago, and I remember you liking it. But when I started making “Release the Kraaken!” jokes every time I went to the bathroom during our Spring Break vacation, that kind of spoiled it for you, right?

Jed: Oh my God, yes! Hotels have never been the same.

Bruce: I’m sorry I ruined hotels for you.

Jed: That’s okay. I sleep in my own room now.

Bruce: So the story of this one is, since there’s no Kraaken to fight, there are all these monsters who are going to be released from… what was it, Tartarsauce?

Jed: Tartarus.

Bruce: And Perseus, who’s trying to be a simple single-dad fisherman, has to come out of semi-retirement to fight them.

Jed: And this is after they won the state championship in Remember the Titans

Bruce: No, that was a different movie. Sam Worthington is back in this one as Perseus, and I don’t know if you know who Steve Guttenberg is, but…

Jed: Nope.

Bruce: My theory is he’s the new Steve Guttenberg, who got into all these movies people wanted to see, but not because he was in them. You know what no one’s ever said? “Hey, let’s go see the new Sam Worthington movie!”

Jed: I guess you’re right—he’s pretty annoying. But he was in Avatar.

Bruce: But was that why Avatar was good? I ask because I tried to watch it on Blu-Ray and fell asleep after 15 minutes.

Jed: No, it was good because Zoe Saldana was naked in it. But she was blue, so…

Bruce: I didn’t make it to that part. So you’ve got these two great actors, Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes, playing Zeus and his brother Hades. Now, have you ever heard of Schindler’s List?

Jed: I’ve heard of Oskar Schindler, but I’ve never seen the movie.

Bruce: It’s one of the greatest movies ever made, and they were in it together 20 years ago. Now they’re in the sequel to Clash of the Titans. Pretty sad. What do you think of Ralph Fiennes playing Hades here, compared to playing what’s-his-name, Voldemort, in the Harry Potter movies?

Jed: He has a nose in this one, so that’s good. But he looks like every Greek god/character in a Star Wars movie.

Bruce: I thought there were a lot of Star Wars references in this one. Liam Neeson was in the prequels, and at one point he says to his son Perseus, “Use the power inside you,” which is kind of like “Use the force.” And when Perseus tells his son, “I love you,” the kid says, “I know.” He totally Han Solos him!

Jed: (SPOILER ALERT!) And when Zeus dies, it’s like his time’s up. That’s just like Yoda. He’s fine, then all of a sudden, he’s just like, “You know what? I’m outta here!”

Bruce: He’s on his deathbed, but then Hades renews their bromance and magically makes him young again–all of a sudden his gray hair and beard turn black. It’s like Hades has the power of Just for Men.

Jed: “Look and feel like a Greek God!”

Bruce: Then he dies. I guess Liam Neeson doesn’t want to do more of these movies.

Jed: They put him out of his misery.

Bruce: What did you think of the 3D? A lot of people hated the 3D in Clash

Jed: It was just a bunch of rocks flying at you.

Bruce: But you jumped a few times…

Jed: At one point, I thought snakes would come out, but it was a Cyclops.

Bruce: I thought the Cyclops was kinda cute, not scary.

Jed: Yeah, he reminded me of the Cyclops in Bridge to Terabithia. Actually, that was a giant, but whatever.

Bruce: There are a lot of father-and-son themes in this movie—Zeus and Hades battle their dad Kronos, and Perseus tries to protect his son, and Posideon dies so Perseus has to find his son. As the son of a God yourself..

Jed: Cough, cough, cough! We have to touch base on Kronos. He’s this big smoky monster. There are two things about him. 1. How did he bag any girls? And 2. How did he produce children?

Bruce: Yeah, he’s just like a volcano. Those are very good questions, and I don’t have the answers to them. Now, there are some babes in this movie. What did you think of the Queen, played by Rosamund Pike?

Jed: She was the stereotypical heroine, good with a sword—and with a “sword.”

Bruce: Is that a euphemism?

Jed: Yes, it is.

Bruce: That’s my boy! So do you think they should make another Titans movie?

Jed: Yes, Bath of the Titans. Because everyone’s so grimy in this one. Especially that guy, the Navigator…

Bruce: Agenor, Posideon’s son. He’s supposed to be comic relief. I’ve never heard of the actor who played him, Toby Kebbell. It’s like they couldn’t afford Russell Brand.

Jed: (laughs) Oh my God, Russell Brand should’ve been in it!

Bruce: He would’ve made it better. They try to be funny, but it’s just pathetic. Like when someone’s hanging upside down, Perseus says, “Thanks for hanging around.” They should’ve brought in a real comedian and made fun of the whole thing, instead of us making fun of it.

Jed: They were trying to be like Meet the Spartans and be serious at the same time.

Bruce: The worst part was, when we were leaving the theater, we had to step over two kids, and one of them was asleep, so he didn’t move his feet, and I tripped and slammed my sternum into one of the arms of the theater seats. Actually, it was the most fun I had all night. What did you think when that happened?

Jed: I wanted to laugh, but when old people fall, it’s no laughing matter.

Did Titans invoke your wrath? Proclaim it from the mountaintops!

From → Kid Stuff, Posts

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