Two Groovy Girls and I Reflect on “Mirror, Mirror”
Bruce Fretts: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, what’s the lamest movie of all? If you ask me, it’s Mirror, Mirror, the new Snow White reboot with Julia Roberts.
Olive: Ouch! Your pun hurt me.
Bruce: I’m obviously not the target audience, so I’ve recruited two 10-year-old girls, my daughter Olive and her best friend Rosa to help me review the movie. So, girls, is Mirror, Mirror a poison apple or will it live happily ever after?
Olive: (chewing on an apple). That’s sad. (to Rosa) Want some of my apple?
Rosa: Sure! (takes a bite) This is a good apple.
Bruce: How does the apple compare to the movie?
Rosa: I think the apple’s a little bit better, but the movie was okay.
Olive: It was more of a love story than Snow White. The original is more about the Queen wanting to be the fairest of them all, so she sends off the Huntsman…
Bruce: Yeah, the Huntsman wasn’t really in this movie!
Olive: Well, kind of. The guy who looks like Mel Gibson represented the Huntsman.
Rosa; Who’s Mel Gibson?
Olive: Mel Gibson, the guy…he’s like, mean, and stuff.
Rosa: The cockroach?
Olive: That’s the guy who looks like Mel Gibson.
Bruce: Nathan Lane looks like Mel Gibson? That’s the first I’ve heard that. Nathan Lane has been funny in movies and on stage before, but in this one, he’s just stupid.
Olive: Yeah. People perceive that children think stupid is funny. That is one of many flaws in humor today.
Bruce: That’s very deep, Olive!
Rosa: I think they saved the movie at the end when Snow White had the wedding…
Bruce: Spoiler alert!
Rosa: When the witch gave her the apple, and she didn’t bite into it.
Bruce: But that’s going away from the legend…
Rosa: But it wouldn’t have been good if they hadn’t brought the apple into it.
Bruce: So Lily Collins plays Snow White, and I used to like her when she did interstitial segments on Nickelodeon. Then I asked my 15-year-old son, Jed, if he thought she was cute and he said no, because of her eyebrows.
Olive: That’s what I kept thinking! She has weird eyebrows. They’re not bushy, they’re just prominent.
Bruce: Well, apparently they didn’t have plucking or waxing or tweezers in storybook times, but there is one scene where Julia Roberts has bees sting her lips and leeches suck the wrinkles out of her skin to try and look young.
Olive: It just shows how crazy the queen is.
Bruce: How desperate she is? That just seemed sad to me, because I feel like Julia Roberts does that in real life.
Olive: She does?
Bruce: She doesn’t have real bees sting her lips, but she probably has…
Bruce: And collagen in her lips.
Olive: And waxing.
Rosa: You’re probably right.
Bruce: I thought Julia Roberts was terrible. I didn’t think she was scary or funny, and her accent kept switching back and forth between English and Southern.
Olive: I know! I was like, “Where did your accent go?” It was confusing.
Rosa: I didn’t like her. She should’ve been more evil.
Bruce: Do you guys know who Julia Roberts is?
Olive: I know she’s like a gay icon?
Bruce: How do you know that?
Olive: Modern Family.
Bruce: Have you seen any of her movies?
Rosa: I might’ve, but I don’t know.
Bruce: The guy who plays Prince Charming is Armie Hammer.
Olive: Arm and Hammer! He’s baking soda.
Bruce: He was about as tasty as baking soda in this movie, because he was totally bland. And they take every chance to have him take his shirt off and stand there in his underwear.
Olive: They stole that from Harry Potter.
Bruce: I think they put it in the movie so women would see it because Armie Hammer is supposed to be so cute.
Olive and Rosa: Ew!
Bruce: You don’t think he’s cute?
Rosa: He’s pretty ugly.
Olive: His eyes are too close together.
Rosa: He looks like baking soda. And I forget the Seven Dwarves’ names, but they did not keep the names. I didn’t like that.
Bruce: I know! There was no Sleepy or Grumpy—they were like, Half-Pint and Taco…
Olive: There was no Taco! It was like Grub, some Russian name, Chuckles, Wolf. They were fine. Wait, that wasn’t special effects, was it?
Bruce; No, those were real dwarves.
Olive: Yay, I love when that happens. They’re like, “We have disabilities, but we don’t care. We’re actors.”
Bruce: I don’t know that dwarfism is a disability…
Olive: It is. Because they’re more fragile.
Bruce: I liked the way the movie looked at times. The director, Tarsem, is visually inventive and the costumes were great. But it didn’t seem to go with the tone of the movie, which was so silly. It was like he was trying to make a Tim Burton movie, where it’s dark but also kid-friendly. It didn’t really work for me, except during the closing credits, when they suddenly break into a Bollywood number.
Olive: Yeah, she just started breaking out singing!
Rosa: I hated that!
Bruce: I liked that!
Olive: I hated that! It’s like all of a sudden, they’re getting married, and they’re happy, and (starts to sing)” Now I’m gonna sing like thissss! And dance the hula!”
Bruce: I thought that was fun! I wish they’d had more of that in the movie.
Olive: I wish they didn’t have that.
Bruce: Well, we disagree about that, but overall, I think this was one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a long time. It was no Hunger Games.
Rosa: I don’t know…
Bruce: You didn’t think it was worse than Hunger Games? I can’t believe you have to think about this…
Rosa: If you haven’t read Hunger Games, then this movie’s worse. But if you have read Hunger Games, this movie’s better.
Olive: Mirror, Mirror was a sleepy movie.
Bruce: I needed Diet Pepsi and Dark Chocolate Raisinets to stay awake.
Olive: I wish you’d gotten Sno-Caps.
Did you think Mirror, Mirror was an unintentionally grim fairy tale? Tell us your story!