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How the Hell Did “Lockout” Get Released?

April 18, 2012

For reasons some of you know, I could use a good laugh, and The Three Stooges didn’t provide one. So I went to a 10:05 am matinee of the laughable-looking sci-fi flop Lockout. (Don’t judge; we all grieve in our own ways.) And while the atmosphere was depressing—even for AMC’s $6 pre-noon prices, the theater was sparsely underpopulated with an apparent meeting of the Lonely Guys Society—the film provided plenty of unintentional yuks. What follows is a transcript of my live Tweets from the screening:

10 am: F— it, I’m going to see #Lockout

10:04 am: When Shame‘s Michael Fassbender says in the trailer for Ridley Scott’s upcoming sci-fi shocker  Prometheus, “Big things have small beginnings,” is he talking about his penis?  #Lockout

10:10 am: Sending the First Daughter on a charity mission to a maximum security prison in space—what could possibly go right? #Lockout

10:16 am: The only man who can possibly save the First Daughter from space prison is a wisecracking convict named Snow. Yep, it’s a Snow job. #Lockout

10:23 am: Snow on saving the First Daughter from space prisoners: “I’d rather castrate myself with blunt rocks.” I know how he feels. #Lockout

10:34 “Good cop” Lennie James on the First Daughter rescue mission: “If this works, I’m gonna wear a pink tutu and pantyhose.” I know how he feels.  #Lockout

10:49: More lines I identify with: “I think I’m gonna be sick,” “Are you always this obnoxious?” “No! Stop! God! Enough!” #Lockout

10:57 There’s a reason why Maggie Grace got voted off the island on Lost: She’s been found guilty of being a terrible actress. #Lockout

11:13 Who is this justifiably anonymous actor playing the President?  Couldn’t they even afford @KevinPollak? #Lockout

11:27 First Daughter: “Oh, you’re back?” Snow: “Yeah. I wasn’t busy.” Actually, that’s the same reason Guy Pearce did #Lockout

11:35  Snow wears a t-shirt that says WARNING: OFFENSIVE. That should’ve been the tagline on the poster for #Lockout

Did you manage not to escape Lockout? Bust out a comment!

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