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OK, Here’s My Real “Avengers” Review (Kinda)

May 4, 2012

I wanted to like The Avengers. I really did. I like superhero movies (okay, at least Iron Man 1 and 2 and Captain America: The First AvengerThor not so much). And I like Joss Whedon (okay, at least the first few seasons of Buffy the Vampire SlayerCabin in the Woods, not so much). In fact, I was so excited, I bought a ticket to the very first show of The Avengers—at 12:01 am—in 3D. But I was so bored, I found myself live-Tweeting to keep myself awake…and before you complain, I was all alone in the back row, not bothering anyone. Here’s my Tweet-script of the first 90 minutes of this 144-minute butt-number:

At the 1201 am show of  #Avengers 3D and I’m by far the oldest person in the theater aside from an elderly gent carrying a large garbage bag

Sam Jackson’s Nick Fury to Clark Gregg’s Agent Colson; “Do better!” I hope I’m not saying the same thing to Joss Whedon after #Avengers

Seriously is Tim Hiddleson or Tom Huddleton or whatever his name is’ Loki the main villain in #Avengers? David Huddleston’s Santa was scarier.

Nick Fury to Loki: “This doesn’t have to get any messier.” I hope I’m not saying the same thing to Joss Whedon after more of  #Avengers

Scarjo’s Black Widow in a bustier: Now we’re getting warmer… #Avengers

Black Widow to Colson: “You know Stark trusts me about as far as he can throw me!” He’s Iron Man–couldn’t he throw her pretty far? #Avengers

Ed Norton’s gotten a lot better-looking since Hulk. Oh wait, that’s Mark Ruffalo. #Avengers

Chris Evans’ Captain America is shaped like a wedge of cheese, appropriately enough. #Avengers

Good to see Robert Downey Jr’s Tony Stark has retained the power to be a giant raging asshole. #Avengers

Loki; “I was the rightful king of Assguard!” Heh heh. #Avengers

Black Widow; “Gentlemen, you might want to step inside. It’s going to get a little hard to breathe.” ScarJo has that effect. #Avengers

Hey, it’s Cobie Smulders as superheroine Robin Sparkles! #Avengers

Jeremy Renner is using his Oscar cred to get himself cast in action schlockbusters. Feels a bit Nic Cage-y. #Avengers

Loki: “Kneel before me!” Hey, he stole Zod’s line! #Avengers

Thor and Iron Man are fighting! Can’t we all just get along? #Avengers

Nick Fury: “The war hasn’t started yet.” I’ve been watching for more than an hour! This movie is far from a Marvel so far. #Avengers

Suggested #Avengers drinking game: Chug every time they say “Tessaract.” You’ll pass out within a half-hour–and have more fun that way.

If Bruce Banner doesn’t Hulk out soon, I will! And you won’t like it… #Avengers

Hulk smash! And Bruce yawn! #Avengers

Nick Fury: “There’s a motherfucking Hulk on this motherfucking aircraft carrier!” Just kidding–but I wish he’d said that. #Avengers

Okay, stuff’s (finally) starting to happen, so I’m going to stop live-tweeting. Don’t want to spoil it for anyone. Nighty-night! #Avengers

Please note: I did stay until “The End”—although not through the post-closing credits scenes (I gotta get some sleep!)— and it did get a bit better. But overall, I was underwhelmed. What did you think?

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9 Comments
  1. I thought overall the movie was good..certainly what it promised, in that it was a Blockbuster movie AND meant for kids to be able to watch so it couldn’t get too intense or anything..I guess. I’m the only person I’ve heard mutter this but I much prefer Ruffalo as Hulk. I just wish he woulld have gotten more screen time. I heard a lot of people saying it was the “basically the 3rd Iron Man” to which I say..we watched different movies. I had been curious if Black Widow didn’t have her accent in the comics since they gave Scarlett a way out by her saying she used to be Russian but overall I thought it was a pretty decent Blockbuster.

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