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A Straight Man Exposes Himself to “Magic Mike”

July 13, 2012

The male-stripper movie Magic Mike has been the butt of many jokes (including the one I just made). The thrust of most of these gags is that no straight guy would touch it with a ten-foot pole, so to speak. To prove that theory wrong, I attended a 10:50 am matinee at my local multiplex. Hey, it was only six dollars–and no, I didn’t have to tuck them into the usher’s underpants. I did, however, eschew my usual hot-dog movie snack, just to keep things straight.

I was only one of two men—and nine people—in the theater, and the other gentleman appeared to have accompanied his elderly mother, so his sexuality remains in question. Interestingly, everyone sat in the back half of the auditorium, which would be more understandable if Magic Mike had been shot in 3D. What follows is my almost-live blog of my Magic moments.

11:10 am After 20 minutes of previews, the movie’s finally starting—and the disturbingly ape-like Channing Tatum’s already naked.

11:11 am And so is Olivia Munn. Score! Worth the price of admission.

11:25 am Omigod, Alex Pettyfer is an even bigger stiff (so to speak) than Channing Tatum. I didn’t think that was possible.

11:32 am I’ve gotta admit I’m digging Steven Soderbergh’s gritty ’70s vibe. It kinda feels like Boogie Nights if Robert Altman had directed it.

11:35 Matthew McConaughey throws out his first “Allright, Allright, Allright!” Cue “It’s Raining Men” and a strip number with True Blood‘s Joe Manganiello, CSI: Miami‘s Adam Rodriguez and White Collar‘s Matthew Boner…er, Bomer.

11:53 am Pettyfer is shaving his legs…and it’s time for me to take a bathroom break (I may have skipped the hot dog, but I couldn’t resist my traditional vat of Coke Zero).

12:02 pm Yay, it’s Breaking Bad‘s Betsy Brandt as a banker. Love her! Sadly, she keeps her clothes on…

12:09 pm Um, Tatum is cross-dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and singing “Happy Birthday.” Did someone slip mescaline in my Coke Zero?

12;11 pm Who is this actress playing Pettyfer’s sister? She looks like what would happen if Piper Perabo and Jay Leno had a baby. And she’s almost as awkwardly amateurish as former Soderbergh leading ladies Gina Carano and Sasha Grey.

12:14 pm Who is this behemoth playing the stripper named Tarzan? He looks like Mickey Rourke on steroids. I mean, more steroids.

12:22 pm Bomer is gushing over his topless wife’s “awesome tits.” That’s acting!

12:25 pm Turns out this isn’t a movie about strippers—it’s about real estate. That Soderbergh…what a master bait-and-switcher!

12:35 pm The old cops-busting-up-a-sorority-party routine leads to a brawl between male strippers and fratboys. What’s the opposite of a catfight—a cockfight?

12:41 pm Uh oh… a drug deal between Pettyfer and an MC played by morbidly obese standup Gabriel Yglesias (the last person I expected to see in this movie) just went bad. Shit’s getting real—and this movie’s getting good.

12:47 pm Either I just witnessed a beautifully shot surreal sex scene involving Pettyfer, some random chick and a potbelly pig or the mescaline is kicking in again.

1255 pm Dammit, McConaughey’s great in this movie. He’s on a roll after The Lincoln Lawyer and Bernie. And I have a feeling his upcoming Killer Joe is gonna be killer.

1 pm Movie’s over. You may find this hard to swallow, but despite some bad acting and a few too many bare male buttocks for my taste, I really enjoyed Magic Mike. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Admit it—you saw Magic Mike, too. Did you find it revealing? Whip out a comment!

From → Posts

  1. TV Gord permalink

    LOL! I hope you enjoyed the movie as much as you enjoyed writing this review! Very punny, but only in a good way! So, are you still as secure in your sexuality as you were before, are are you becoming, ahem, “Mike-curious”?

    • bruceafretts permalink

      I’m curious to see the sequel, if that counts. And I was surprised to see the actors I didn’t recognize were Cody Horn (daughter of the former head of Disney!) and wrestler Kevin “Big Sexy” Nash.

      • TV Gord permalink

        A sequel, hmmm? Too bad South Park stole the title, “Bigger, Longer & Uncut.”

      • bruceafretts permalink

        I once suggested to Tom Fontana that should be the subtitle if he ever makes a big-screen version of “Oz.” True story!

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