Five Reasons Why I Won’t Watch “The Watch”
Really, Hollywood? Is this the best you can do? I know everyone’s afraid of going against The Dark Knight Rises, even in its second weekend, but the only new movies opening wide today are the fourth chapter of the Step Up saga—I skipped the first three; why stop now?—and The Watch. Well, I’m boycotting Ben Stiller’s latest crap-apalooza, and here’s why.
1. I’m feeling alienated. I just can’t take another alien-invasion movie. After Men in Black III, Battleship and Prometheus, we need a cinematic moratorium on little green men. And if you’re going to make another alien comedy, at least make it family-friendly, so I can take my kids (and take a nap while they’re watching it). The Watch is rated R for “some strong sexual content including references, pervasive language and violent images.” Did Hollywood learn nothing from last year’s failure of the R-rated alien-com Paul, with Watch cowriter—and costar Jonah Hill’s doppelganger—Seth Rogen?
2. Sorry, but I’m just not finding gun violence all that funny right now. It was bad enough when The Watch had to change its title from Neighborhood Watch (and pull a teaser that featured Guardian Angel wannabe Hill pretending to fire a gun at young pedestrians) in the aftermath of the Trayvon Martin tragedy. But after the Dark Night massacre, I can’t muster a chuckle for the allegedly hilarious scene prominently featured in the trailer in which Stiller and Vaughn repeatedly shoot a defenseless creature, even if it is an alien.
3. I don’t want to give Vince Vaughn any more “money, baby.” His fast-talking sleazebag routine was kinda cute in Swingers—but that was 16 years ago. He’s been coasting on his smarm for far too long. True, he tried to mix it up a bit early on, taking on unlikely roles like Norman Bates in Gus Van Sant’s ill-conceived Psycho remake, but he’s essentially been playing himself in almost every movie since. No Dilemma here—I’m ready to Break-Up with Vaughn as a leading man.
4. Who the hell is Richard Ayoade? I’ve never heard of this dude, yet here he is on the poster alongside Stiller, Vaughn and Hill. OK, I just imdb‘d him and see he was on the Brit-com The IT Crowd. Still, I’m not buying him as above-the-title talent. If unknowns are getting star billing, Ernie Hudson should retroactively sue Columbia Pictures for not putting him on the poster for the first Ghostbusters movie.
5. Ben Stiller…what happened? Twenty years ago, when he was doing his critically acclaimed (and little-seen) Fox skitcom, he seemed like such a promising talent, parodying everyone from infomercial charlatan Tony Robbins (“I’m hypnotizing you…with my teeth!”) to Bruce Springsteen (teaching kids to count: “hun..hoo..hee..hor!”). Then Along Came Polly. And the Fockers. And Tower Heist. And so on. Jerry Stiller needs to pull his boy aside and give him a Frank Costanza-style chewing out. Then maybe he—and we—could find some “serenity now!”
Will you be seeing The Watch this weekend? And if so, for God’s sake, why?