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Should You Check Into “Hotel Transylvania”?

September 30, 2012

Bruce Fretts: My 16-year-old son, Jed, 11-year-old daughter, Olive, and I just checked out of Hotel Transylvania. Adam Sandler’s new cartoon scared up $43 million at the box office this weekend…

Olive: What? I don’t get it. Is that, like, a phrase or something—scaring up?

Bruce: Yes, it’s a phrase.

Jed: Did you just make it up?

Bruce: No. So the question is: What do you say to Hotel Transylania—yay or booooo!

Olive: OK, you keep doing bad puns.

Jed: Bad! Bad!

Olive: Wait, you thought the movie was bad, Jed?

Jed: No, he’s bad. But to be quite frank…enstein, I quite enjoyed the movie.

Olive: OK, your pun is worse than Pop’s.

Bruce: Olive, what did you think of it?

Olive: Just to point something out, on some of the jokes, Jed was the only one laughing in the theater. He was like, “I get it!”

Jed: He said, “Ha-wee-wee” when it’s actually “Hawaii!”

Bruce: But what did you think of it?

Olive: It was good. There were some corny jokes, but I liked Count Dracula. He made it awesome.

Bruce: You thought Adam Sandler did a good job?

Olive: Yeah, I had no idea it was him.

Jed: I didn’t either.

Bruce: I thought it sounded just like him. He was good, but my problem with this movie—and doing this review—is that we saw an advance screening of Kevin James’ new MMA comedy Here Comes the Boom yesterday, and I’m not allowed to review it yet. But comparing Hotel Transylvania—which also has James, as the voice of Frankenstein— to Boom is like comparing Dracula to the Wolfman. It pales by contrast.

Jed: Are you saying that Hotel Transylvania drove you—drumroll please—batty?

Olive: Are you saying one’s good and one’s bad? I don’t get it.

Bruce: Well, I’m not allowed to say what I thought of Here Comes the Boom.

Jed: Am I allowed to say what I thought? It’s my favorite movie of all time.

Olive: Yeah, it was really awesome. It’s the best.

Bruce: Kevin James is funny as Frankenstein, but he’s not the star. My problem with the movie is that a lot of it was (adopting Dracula voice) blahhh, blahhh, blahhh.

Jed: Which is a thing they say in the movie!

Bruce: It just felt like there were long dead periods where the only person laughing was Jed. And the theater was packed with little kids and their parents. A lot of the jokes just didn’t work.

Olive: Yeah, they were Jed-kinda jokes.

Jed: I was just in my own world.

Bruce: There was some funny stuff. I liked the Twilight parody, but a lot of the jokes could’ve been funnier. I thought it was okay. I didn’t think it…sucked.

Jed: Mmmmm, this guy!

Bruce: But it was no Here Comes the Boom. Which is not to say I’m reviewing Here Comes the Boom, because I’m not allowed to do that yet.

Jed: Here Comes the Booooo!

Bruce: Also, it’s a ripoff of Monsters Inc. Because the whole movie is about how monsters are afraid of humans, and then a human shows up and they all freak out.

Jed: But there’s nothing to be afraid of….

Bruce: It just kept making that point over and over again. The movie is about Dracula and his daughter, played by Selena Gomez. He’s trying to keep his daughter, who’s turning 118, from meeting humans, because they killed his wife. And Andy Samberg plays the human.

Olive: He was really annoying.

Jed: There was no conflict in it. There was no antagonist. It was just, “Oh, I’m in love!” “You shouldn’t be in love!”

Bruce: And Steve Buscemi, who does the voice of Randall in Monsters Inc., does the voice of the werewolf in this.

Olive: Oh yeah. Who’s Randall?

Jed: He’s the purple guy.

Olive: I’ve gotta watch that thing again.

Bruce: I didn’t think any of the characters in Hotel Transylania were as good as Sully and Mike Wazowski.

Olive: I liked Dracula a lot.

Bruce: What do you think, Jed?

Jed: (playing on his iPod) Yeah.

Bruce: C’mon, Jed, contribute to the conversation.

Jed; Yes, Father, I agree with all the things you said.

Bruce: That’s better. And Cee-Lo was kinda weird as the Mummy. I didn’t think he was the best…Voice.

Jed: Because of the show that he’s in!

Olive: I would say if you have a three-to-five-year-old with the sense of humor of Jed, go see it.

Jed: Thank you for giving me the respect I deserve.

Olive: Maybe some six and seven year olds….

Jed: We get it—I’m immature. Olive, where-wolf do you find it in you to insult me?

Olive: (ignoring him) It’s a good small-children movie. I heard some little kids laughing, but not as much as Jed.

Jed: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go Ha-wee-wee.

How many stars would you give Hotel Transylvania? Was it a scream?

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