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My Dinner With a #BasicBitch

September 26, 2015

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I haven’t done one of these dating blogs in a while because, well, I haven’t been on a date in a while. After my horrifying experience with a drunken racist, I deleted all my apps and focused on more important things, like getting my kids settled in school and selling my house. Now that my son and daughter are safely ensconced in college and high school, respectively, and I have a buyer for my house, I decided to dip my toes back into the dating pool. And I’m sad to say, the water’s not fine.

I met a high-school English teacher on Tinder. It seemed like we had a lot in common: We’re both in our 40’s, divorced with two kids, work with the written word and live in Jersey. My first clue that this wasn’t going to be a love connection came when I asked her if she liked Indian food. “No,” she texted me back. “I’m more of a #basicbitch.”

I was vaguely familiar with the term, but as turned off as I was by someone who’d use a hashtag (not to mention describe themselves as a “bitch”) before the first date, I asked her what she meant: “I just like to eat ‘regular’ food,” she replied. I should’ve gone with my gut and ended it there, but I felt obliged to take her on a date, so I found a place that specializes in burgers and pancakes. “Sounds perfect!” she said.

We met and the best thing I can say about her is that I can’t accuse her of false advertising. When I asked her about her teaching style, she described herself as a “bully.” I thought she was joking, but she told me, with a straight face, “I’ve only gotten in trouble once for flipping off a kid in 17 years.” She described herself as “basically a lazy person” and one of her own kids as “hell.” How so? “She’s just hell.”

The_Intern_PosterThat could also describe the rest of our conversation. She didn’t ask me a single question all night, waiting for me to keep asking about her life. (I left room for her to inquire about my kids, my work, ANYTHING, but she just sat there in silence and smiled.) She doesn’t watch TV (point against her), but she did binge on Breaking Bad (point in her favor). She doesn’t go to movies much (point against her), but she did love Trainwreck (point in her favor). She also said she wants to see The Intern (two points against her). She reads a lot (point in her favor), but when I asked her what she likes to read, she said, “You know, what everyone reads” (point against her). I asked her what books she teaches her students, and two of the three titles she mentioned were by Mitch Albom (infinite points against her).

I asked her about her dating history, and she revealed with no discernible shame that she had an account on Ashley Madison, and her identity had been compromised. I asked her if she had dated any married men, and she said no, there are all kinds of people on the site. They should mention that in their marketing.

Mac and cheese burger, well-done

Mac and cheese burger, well-done

After we finished eating our burgers (mine rare with fried pickles, hers well-done with mac and cheese), I paid the check and we headed for our cars. She had parked far away from the restaurant, so I offered to walk her to her car. “You want to walk all the way to the Hyatt?” she said. “I want to make sure you get home safe,” I said. It was quite a hike, so she offered to give me a ride back to my car. Little did we know that most of the streets around the restaurant had been closed for a Fall Festival, so it was quite a circuitous trip to get back to my parking lot. I said good night and went to kiss her on the cheek; she gave me her lips.

Basically… I should’ve stayed home.

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