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Two Grown-Ass Men Review “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 2”

November 29, 2015

 

Bruce Fretts: My 14-year-old daughter Olive wouldn’t let me see Mockingjay, Part 2 with her  — even though we saw all the earlier Hunger Games movies together (and even reviewed the first one with her brother Jed) — since she’s a teenager now and doesn’t want me to embarrass her in front of her friends. I didn’t want to look like an old perv and go see it by myself, so I asked my friend David Rey Martinez, one of the funniest stand-ups in New York, if he’d see it with me on a Saturday night in the New Jersey suburbs and for some reason, he agreed. You’d seen all the other Hunger Games movies before, David—did you take your son, Sebastian?

David: No, why would I watch it with my son? He’s eight years old. I rarely watch movies of that length with him because of his attention span. There’s not enough action or cartoons or colors. And the storyline was really hard to follow.

Bruce: I’m glad you said that, because I was totally lost for most of the movie.

David: I was like, “Who? Who’s that? Who?” I became very racist watching this movie. I was like, “Oh, so a Black man dies…”

Bruce: SPOILER ALERT! The Black guy gets killed first!

David: And the cat lived through all four movies! So I was really disappointed. That really bothered me.

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Bruce: Then the guy who got married—who I didn’t even remember—got killed second. You knew he was dead meat as soon as we saw his wedding.

David: I didn’t remember him either. Also, he had a good action scene, so I knew he was going to die once he threw that javelin and saved Phoenix, or whatever her name was.

Bruce: The names in the movie are ridiculous. Peeta?

David: It sounds like he’s Italian: “Hey, Peeta, come over here and eat your  dinna!”

Bruce: And I feel bad for Gale, because first of all, his name is Gale, and secondly, you’re supposed to root for Katniss to get together with Peeta, not Gale, so they’re setting him up for failure. Plus, he’s played by Liam Hemsworth, who’s the second most famous and handsome Hemsworth brother after Chris.

David: I forget. Who’s that—Captain America?

Bruce: No, Thor.

David: Another big, tall dude for no reason.

David: But J-Law did look good in this movie. As an old perv, I’d have to say she looked good in her tight leather suit. She looked like she belonged in X-Men.

Bruce: She was in X-Men!

David: Oh, right, she was the young Mystique. She played everything in this movie.

Bruce: J-Law can do almost anything. She’s a great actress, she’s gorgeous, she can do action scenes, she’s funny, she can sing…

David: She has a scene where she’s crying, and they went down low so she had a second chin. They wanted her to look as bad as possible.

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Bruce: That was an ugly cry. I didn’t think it was possible for J-Law to look ugly, but she did it.

David: There was a lot of slobber. I’ve cried hard, but I haven’t slobber-cried since I was 8 or 9 years old. Like snot-slobber. That’s really crying.

Bruce: That’s why she’s J-Law.

David: And at the end—I’m going to spoil everything, the movie’s been out a week—she has a Chinese baby!

Bruce: She was holding an Asian baby.

David: It’s like a 15-pound Asian baby. It’s humongous. I’m like, “How did this happen?” I don’t want to give away who the father is, but he doesn’t look like any kind of Asian—Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese. He doesn’t look like any of the Asians.

Bruce: Maybe they’re saving the explanation for another sequel.

David: I highly doubt it. I thought the movie ended on a decent note of Black power. They had a Black woman president, so I guess they’re pushing for Hillary in 2016.

Bruce: But Hillary’s not Black.

David: People count her as Black because of Bill. But at the end of the day, we all know she’s a white woman.

Bruce: Well, you had Donald Sutherland and Julianne Moore as two old white people fighting for power.

David: That’s totally normal. That should be the name of every movie: Two Old White People Fighting for Power.

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Bruce: Then Phillip Seymour Hoffman keeps popping up, even though he died two years ago.

David: He was in a lot of scenes!

Bruce: But then he disappears at the end.

David: His character’s still alive as the Game Master, but they just talk about him.

Bruce: Like, what, he just left the room? “Oh, you just missed him!”

David: “He went out to get ice cream!”

Bruce: Wait, we forgot Woody Harrelson.

David: He should do White Men Can’t Jump 2.

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Bruce: J-Law can do almost anything, but Woody can really do anything. He was funny on Cheers, can do great dramas like True Detective, and in White Men Can’t Jump, I truly believed he couldn’t jump.

David: They’ve gotta do Part 2 now.

Bruce: Wesley Snipes is out of jail now, so he could do it.

David: And they’re older now. Older ballers are a great commodity. We should write it for them.

Bruce: And if they won’t do it, we’ll star in it.

David: But we’ll just be going to ice-cream shops.

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Bruce: Which we did before the movie! I think we scared the teenage girls in the ice cream shop.

David: Yeah, because two old-ass men in there buying ice cream is pretty horrible.

Bruce: We were taking selfies. We blended right in. We had the perfect suburban teenage-girl Saturday night. We went to Target and Starbucks.

David: Omigod, it was so expensive! If I had to rate the movie, I’d give it three stars out of five. I should’ve just waited to see it on Netflix, like I did with the other three. With all the build-up, it was kind of anti-climactic.

Bruce: I’d give it two and a half.

David: You’re a harsh critic.

Bruce: Hey, it’s my job.

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