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Two Bad Dads on “Bad Moms”

July 31, 2016

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Bruce Fretts: I’m here with David Rey Martinez, stand-up comedian and fellow single dad, and we just saw Bad Moms. We’re a couple of bad dads…

David Rey Martinez: No, let’s correct that—we’re great dads. And we’re not featured in this movie. At all.

Bruce: There was one good dad.

David: And he banged Mila Kunis.

Bruce: His wife was dead, so he had to be a good dad. He had no choice.

David: That was his job.

Bruce: And he was a non-threatening Latino.

David: Super non-threatening Latino. Tight-sweatered Latino. Nipple-piercing-through-his-shirt Latino. The kind of Latino where he bangs a couple of chicks at the club every night, just because he looks like that. Not like me where I have to pray that she falls down on me while I fall down.

Bruce: Speaking of falling down, in this movie, if they don’t have a joke, somebody just falls down.

David: This movie was made by Tang Productions, which made me laugh because I thought the juice drink was making movies, in which case the entire hood should’ve shown up.

Bruce: See, I thought it was Pooty Tang Productions. But as our friend who saw it with us, funny person and superfeminist Liv Lansdale, pointed out, this movie was written and directed by two men, the guys who co-wrote the Hangover movies. But they were just like, let’s have the characters drink and fall down, and it’ll be funny because they’re women.

David: I’m going to disagree with that. In most movies, they think it’s funny if men drink and fall down. That was The Hangover, until they woke up.

Bruce: That was just the beginning of The Hangover. Here it was the whole movie—let’s watch women get drunk and do everything in slo-mo. If it’s not funny, we’ll show it in slow-mo and it’ll feel funny! If they showed this movie at normal speed, it would be 45 minutes long.

Bruce: Basically, this movie is saying men are not capable of taking care of children. That was considered funny in 1983 when they made Mr. Mom, but the men in this movie are so ridiculously hapless. Kristen Bell leaves her husband with the kids for an hour, and he calls her in a panic because he can’t handle it. What century is this taking place in?

David: And it’s all white men.

Bruce: Well, Jada Pinkett Smith is in it, but we never see her husband.

David: Because he’s Will Smith.

Bruce: And they couldn’t afford him. But they give her nothing to do but say things like “Damn!” and “My husband Fifty-Shaded me this morning.” What does that mean?

David: Did her character even have a name?

Bruce: She might as well have just been called “Bad Black Mom.” If you drank every time they say the phrase “bad mom” in the movie, you’d be passed out by the end. And it made no sense at all. Mila Kunis’ daughter yells at her because she slept with the widowed dad, but how did she know that? She wasn’t there. There must’ve been a scene cut out.

David: The windows were wide open, and they were doing it on the kitchen counter—or the island, as people call it…

Bruce: As white people call it.

David: I call it a goddamn kitchen table. I was thinking maybe Christina Applegate’s character was taking video of them.

Bruce: Because she’s the evil PTA mom who rules the school. But then they have to make her sympathetic in the end, so they probably cut it out. And they left in the jokes about punching someone in the tit and punching someone in the vagina.

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David: I didn’t know men wrote it until I saw the end credits, but it didn’t feel natural at all. This is not how any of the women I know talk.

Bruce: They kept using these weird phrases like “booty text” and “get your tits up.” Do people really say that?

David: Not that I know of. I think they were trying to start catchphrases.

Bruce: It wasn’t working. They want to have it both ways—they want it to be an outrageous R-rated comedy, but they have all these sappy scenes where the moms talk about how much they love their kids. Then they call the kids “motherfuckers,” because it’s funny when women say that?

David: It’s just so predictable. Martha Stewart shows up and says the word “shit.”

Bruce: When Mila Kunis tells her daughter that she’s getting divorced, her reaction is, “I don’t want to be weird.” What kid in this century would think having divorced parents makes them weird? Most kids’ parents are divorced!

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David: I cringed at a lot of the kids’ behavior in the movie. Mila Kunis’ son pours cereal all over the table because she won’t cook for him anymore? I would’ve grabbed him by the ear and been like, “You better pick up every one of those Cheerios and put it in a bowl.” It’s hard to bruise kids’ ears. They stay red for a while, but that’s it. Ask my son. I don’t even pull the ear. I just grab that meat. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t admit this. I don’t want to go to jail for ear abuse. But my son is not going to be in the street robbing or killing people.

Bruce: As Liv pointed out, Mila Kunis is supposed to be this harried mom who goes on a bender, yet she never has a hair out of place. Even after she and the non-threatening Latino have what they say is the best sex of their lives, they’re not sweating. He says, “Can I go down on you again?” And his face is perfectly dry. How good could it have been?

David: It depends. Everyone’s definition of the greatest sex ever is different.

Bruce: But come on. Something should’ve been glistening.

David: It was just a bad movie. Like the principal’s role…

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Bruce: Wendell Pierce was totally wasted. When he finds the marijuana Christina Applegate plants in Mila Kunis’ daughter’s locker, it’s like, “The Black guy knows all about weed!”

David: Very stereotypical. He talked about how Snoop has been smoking since he was 5. That would’ve been funnier coming from a white person. The funniest part of the movie is at the end, when all the actresses’ real moms show up and tell stories about raising them.

Bruce: That’s funnier and more believable than anything that happens before.

David: I would’ve watched that for an hour and a half.

Bruce: The writers should’ve interviewed them first, and then written the script. They were trying to pander to women so obviously, it was insulting to everyone.

David: Women should not go see this movie.

Bruce: Now you’re man-splaining!

David: I’m not finished. Men should not go see this movie either. No one should ever see this movie. I’m probably blackballing myself from ever getting a part in a Tang Production.

Bruce: Why’s it gotta be blackballing? Why can’t it be whiteballing?

David: Even if you see it for free, your time is valuable. I could’ve used my time better today. I could’ve washed my clothes. I could’ve walked down the street and cat-called myself. “Hey David, you’re looking good in those shorts!” People would’ve thought I was weird, but it still would’ve been a better use of my time than seeing Bad Moms.

Bruce: We saw it in a full theater, and almost nobody was laughing.

David: Just me laughing at how bad it was.

Bruce: And me laughing at you laughing.

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David: I’ve also got to say, you and Liv were two of the Blackest people I’ve ever seen in a movie theater. You guys talked so much during the movie.

Bruce: We were just trying to combat the stereotype. But we were talking to each other, not back to the screen.

David: It doesn’t matter. It was horrible. I was like, “Are they just going to continue to talk through the whole movie?”

Bruce: Liv was live-tweeting it. That’s why she was on her phone the whole time. It was so bad, she couldn’t help herself.

David: Don’t see this movie. Read Liv’s tweets instead. I can’t believe I paid $15.99 for a ticket! I would tell people if they’re thinking of seeing Bad Moms to stay home.

Bruce: And be a bad parent to your children.

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2 Comments
  1. Lara/Trace permalink

    You have to do more reviews together guys! (I will not see this one, I promise)

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