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Two Grown Men and a Boy on “Suicide Squad”

August 6, 2016

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Bruce Fretts: I’m sitting in TGIFriday’s with David Rey Martinez, stand-up comedian extraordinaire, and his 9-year-old mini-me, Sebastian Rey Martinez, and we just saw Suicide Squad. But we saw it separately—father and son together, and me alone in Times Square—and I must confess I arrived late and fell asleep several times during the movie. I had a hard week, but I think the real reason I fell asleep was because it was a terrible movie! Every time I woke up, it had grown even more horrible.

David Rey Martinez: I don’t know what reviewers are expecting from comic-book movies. This is one of my issues. The DC Universe characters are way crazier than the Marvel characters. They’re very different. With Marvel, you can see a little bit of humanity in it, and when you look at DC, it’s very comic book. It’s very over-the-top.

Bruce: What about Deadpool? That was a Marvel movie that went way over the top, and it worked. This is like a watered-down, PG-13 version of Deadpool. They wanted to have it both ways—have super villains as the heroes but still make it safe for kids. They should’ve made this a hardcore R-rated movie. But instead, every time I woke up, Will Smith’s Deadshot was weeping about missing his little daughter.

David: I don’t think the tone was inconsistent. Deadpool and Deadshot are two different characters, even though both their names begin with the word “Dead.”

Bruce: I did not believe Will Smith as a villain. He just seemed like the Fresh Prince.

David: Yeah, but he’s an assassin.

Bruce: The only thing Will Smith ever killed was DJ Jazzy Jeff’s career.

David: That’s a shot in the dark, but it is kind of true. Was it a decent movie? Yes. Was it life-changing? No. But I enjoyed it from the beginning to the end.

Bruce: Okay, let’s ask Sebastian. Did you like the movie?

Sebastian: Yes.

Bruce: What did you like best about it?

Sebastian: The heroes were villains.

Bruce: And you believed they were villains?

Sebastian: A few of them.

Bruce: Who was the most convincing villain?

Sebastian: The Joker.

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Bruce: Let’s talk about the Joker. He’s barely in the movie! And Jared Leto brought nothing new to the character. He was just doing Heath Ledger.

David: I agree with you on that. I mean, I could’ve been a better Joker.

Bruce: You are a Joker. That’s your job!

David: I would’ve done it with a British accent.

Bruce: Speaking of accents, what was Margot Robbie’s accent as Harley Quinn? Half the time, she sounded like she was still doing the Noo Yawk accent from The Wolf of Wall Street and the other half, she used her native Aussie accent.

David: Well, Harley Quinn is crazy.

Bruce: But does she have a split personality, each with different accents?

David: She got shock therapy, so who knows?

Bruce: And why does Batman show up? I didn’t see Batman vs. Superman because I can’t stomach Ben Affleck as the Dark Knight, then he crashes this movie. He already ruined a Marvel movie, Daredevil, and now he’s messing up DC movies. He’s just doing Christian Bale’s voice, and he’s middle-aged. He’s got a receding hairline!

David: I wish my hairline was receding like that, because he looked great. Sebastian and I liked Batman vs. Superman. There’s nothing wrong with these movies. If you think you’re going to see an Oscar-winning performance, you’ll be disappointed.

Bruce: Heath Ledger won an Oscar as the Joker!

David: He won it because he died.

Bruce: No, he was amazing.

David: And he was dead. Dead people win awards. Dead people sell albums. It’s a known fact. Dead people sell tickets.

Sebastian: The Joker died?

David: Heath Ledger did.

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Bruce: And why did the Flash show up? I don’t watch his TV show—I didn’t want to see him in this movie. Get the Flash out of there!

David: He showed up because Captain Boomerang is one of his villains from his rogues gallery.

Bruce: You have your own villains? Can’t any superhero catch any bad guy?

David: Depends on if they’re in your city. Like, Killer Croc is Batman’s villain.

Bruce: He just seemed like a ripoff of Groot to me, and I didn’t even see Guardians of the Galaxy.

David: Killer Croc was horrible. His head was so much bigger than his body. His arms were like Sebastian’s.

Sebastian: At least I have arms. Be grateful. If I didn’t have any, I’d be fighting armless.

Bruce: And what was with the witch? She was floating and speaking in some foreign tongue. I didn’t want to have to read subtitles.

David: She was a witch from the B.C. times, so I didn’t expect her to speak English. This is why they shouldn’t let white people go to the movies. You guys want too much.

Bruce: I just wanted to see a movie didn’t make me consider suicide.

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4 Comments
  1. Lara/Trace permalink

    I will skip this one but your review made me howl

  2. Sean P Carlin permalink

    I made a decision earlier this year to quit superhero movies cold turkey, and it looks now like my timing was impeccable.

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

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