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Five Reasons Why “Baby Driver” Sucks

July 3, 2017


Those taste-challenged dopes at Rotten Tomatoes have misled me again: Baby Driver rates as 98 percent “Fresh,” but I’m here to tell you it’s rancid. Sure, writer-director Edgar Wright’s car-chase thriller looks sleek on the surface, but it’s 100 percent substance-free. It’s a soundtrack in search of a story. You can only coast on style for so long—this lemon runs out of gas less than halfway through its brutally overlong (nearly two hours!) running time. The clichés pile up like texting drivers on the turnpike—the protagonist’s tragic backstory (his parents died in a car crash), the one-last-heist-and-I’m-out trope, the foulmouthed old lady, the overripe dialogue (“the minute you catch feelings is the minute you catch a bullet”), the list goes on and on and on. Plus, the movie’s called Baby Driver. And it’s about a guy named Baby who’s a driver. Oof! How do I hate Baby Driver? Let me count the ways.

  1. I didn’t know who or what an Ansel Elgort was before I saw this movie, and after suffering through it, I still don’t. It appears to be a pale, skinny, charisma-deficient cipher. To put it in car-chase movie terms, he’s a BB compared to Bullitt‘s Steve McQueen. Hell, he can’t even keep up with The Driver‘s Ryan O’Neal.
  2. Lily James seems like a very nice young British girl. She made a fine fairy-tale princess in Disney’s recent Cinderella reboot. But she looks about as out of place as a waitress at an Atlanta diner as I would at Downton Abbey.
  3. One Jon is not as good as the other. As one of the heist-gang’s members, The Walking Dead‘s Jon Bernthal brings the right kind of gritty gravitas to keep Wright’s would-be hard-boiled dialogue from going soft. But he disappears early in the film and turns the focus over to another AMC vet, Jon Hamm. Whoever though the Artist Formerly Known as Don Draper (and Dick Whitman) would make a convincingly sadistic thug is the real Mad Man. Eiza Gonalzez, who plays his moll, is the real deal, though. More movies with her in them, please.
  4. Kevin Spacey and Jamie Foxx are on cruise control. The Academy Award winners know they’re slumming it in this B-minus movie, and they put in minimum effort as a result. Spacey’s performance as the gang’s ringleader is indistinguishable from his work as President Frank Underwood on House of Cards, except he doesn’t have a Southern accent or speak into the camera. Foxx showed more emotional range in Kanye West’s music video for “Gold Digger” than he does as a street tough here. He’s done more acting pretending not to date Katie Holmes than he does here.
  5. I know Quentin Tarantino (well, I interviewed him once). Quentin Tarantino is a friend of mine (okay, I’ve actually interviewed him twice). And you, Edgar Wright, are no Quentin Tarantino. Need I say more? I do? Ok, how about this: I also saw The House, with Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler. It’s at 19 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. I was the only person in the theater when I saw it. And it was more entertaining than Baby Driver. Don’t get me wrong—it’s awful. But it’s not Baby Driver awful.

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  1. Gibbers permalink

    I found someone sane

    • dweebisis permalink

      agreed….however when you have a bunch of unattractive white gentrified dorks …. you will make money if you are Edgar Whatever….it’s just cool to like these overrated entertainers so they made their money while calling Stupid Name Driver cool.

      • dweebisis permalink

        meant to say cool and “original”

  2. janis permalink

    I just saw this movie 2 nights ago based on reviews and recommendation from bro and sis in law. I have to say this was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and actually fell asleep during another one of the many violent scenes. The only character I identified with was Baby’s foster dad. Although I also had a hard time wrapping my brain around a black man becoming a foster dad to a lily white boy. This movie just sucked on so many levels….Great cast though. Horrible movie. A real snoozer.

    • casparweinburger permalink

      I was so close to walking out on this movie. The part where he starts singing to his foster dad was rancid. And then it got worse. IT really sucked.

    • I can’t stop saying how stupid it is ! What a waste of my 2 hrs! On top of the bad writng and bad characters and even bad music tasted, the car action scenes are almost exact copies from video games!

  3. I’m pissed at Rotten Tomatoes for recommending this trash. I walked out on it.

  4. casparweinburger permalink

    Thanks for this review. Seriously. I just cannot understand the love for this soulless piece of shit. Am I just getting old? Man, this movie sucks some serious dog turn. IT is bad, bad, bad, bad.

  5. Don permalink

    Thank you. I feel like Mugatu and I’m taking crazy pills when I see positive reviews/comments online about this movie.

    It’s absolutely one of the worst films I’ve seen in recent memory. It’s corny, cringey, and just terrible.

  6. Wayward1 permalink

    Yes, finally people who aren’t clueless. One of my biggest problems with this movie is it was advertised as a fun action heist movie. That is in no way what I got. Also Jamie Fox was one of the reasons I went to see this and he completely sucked in this movie.

  7. Wassup dog permalink

    Can’t tell if you’re reviewing it or ripping on the actors here. Why not talk about how the unnecessary romance killed the entire movie?

  8. ruskointhehizzy permalink

    I couldn’t agree more with the review and the comment section here – especially “this is the worst movei Have seen in recen memory” – concurred 100% I can’t remember a movie I disliked this bad – I really can’t…

  9. Ben permalink

    Just saw this movie and couldn’t agree more. It was boring

  10. joanna permalink

    This movie is an overhyped piece of sh*t. I hated it!

  11. If I had paid money to see it in the theater, I’d probably feel the same way. I enjoyed many of the movie’s sequences and the car stunts, but I agree that it was largely style over substance. Great write.

  12. Karl permalink

    Baffled at the positive reviews. This movie was worse than Fast and the Furious. I get it if you’re still 14. But have no idea how professional critics have anything positive to say about this.

  13. John permalink

    Geez, what a turd. In a nutshell: cringe, cliche, gimmicks, total lack of originality, poor acting, etc… I can see this movie being popular among teens but anyone over the age of 20 that likes this is nuts. If someone told me a 15 year old boy wrote this, I would not be surprised at all. I lasted 10 minutes or so, basically until the conversation with the waitress which was unbearable to watch. I’ll say it again, what a turd.

  14. Zane permalink

    I agree it sucked the unrealisticness was so cheesy and the logicality that a shotgun just puts a small hole in your arm from 2 feet away is trash this movie literally fucking blowed.

  15. Allen permalink

    Could. Not. Agree. More.

  16. Pat McCann permalink

    One of the worst movies of the year. Unless you’re an 11 year old boy. With bad movie taste.

  17. David permalink

    It’s a bad movie. And I’m glad someone noticed how bad Spacey’s stentorian phone-it-in acting is. The real question is why so much enthusiasm on Rotten Tomatoes, when anything even a little engaging in the movie is immediately obliterated by everything else in it? There’s some kind of herd mentality among reviewers. The nitty-gritty of what’s involved would be a worthy investigation. You’d have to find scriveners honest enough to admit that they gave a good review to a movie they knew to bad, and then also be honest enough to say why. Some great movies are also inexplicably panned, of course. And no, I don’t think it’s “all subjective” and that all opinions are created equal. The better analyses are the ones that observe what’s actually there on the screen.

  18. KidKosher permalink

    THANK YOU! I had so many people recommend this movie and i fell asleep watching it. it seriously was edgar wright’s attempt at taking the scene from “shaun of the dead” where they beat up zombies to queen and then trying to somehow put together a script to that premise, and failing miserably. the cast was good on paper but everyone phoned it in, but nobody can blame them really because nobody could save this piece of shit especially when “baby” is such an unlikeable and boring protagonist with a forced romance that was unnecessary and unbelievable.

    i only liked the foster dad

  19. David Bond permalink

    Totally agree

  20. Brad permalink

    I agree with your assertions and was very disappointed that I had to pay to see it. Should’ve waited for Netflix to get it so I could rate it thumbs down.

  21. 4287952478952789 permalink

    I mean, the story was a bit bland, but the sound design was masterful in execution

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