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Oh, mother! Oh, Baby Driver! 2017’s Worst Films

December 29, 2017

mother

It might not be a coincidence that two of my Top 3 most-read blog posts of 2017 were 5 Reasons Why Baby Driver Sucks and 5 Reasons Why mother! Sucks. Coming in between them was NY Asian Film Fest: Serial Killers, Porno & More! which probably reflects the popularity of the word “porno” in Google searches more than a deep interest among my readers in Asian cinema. One could theorize that “sucks” is an equally SEO-friendly word, but I’d like to think it’s because so many readers agree with me about these self-indulgent cinematic atrocities. Yet Baby and mother! were far from the only creative crimes perpetrated at our nation’s multiplexes this year. So here’s my Bottom 10 list. (Click on the highlighted titles for longer reviews.)

MOTOE-Trailer-release-website

10. Murder on the Orient Express I’d call Kenneth Branagh’s punishingly slow we-know-whodunit the year’s most needless remake, but there’s an even worse one coming up on this list.

9. Wonder Wheel Woody Allen at his worst. And I saw Curse of the Jade Scorpion.

8. Fifty Shades Darker Anybody excited for the upcoming conclusion of the trashy trilogy, Fifty Shades Freed, after enduring this flaccid sequel is a true masochist.

7. Table 19 Is it a formulaic rom-com? Or an mumblecore squirm-com? Neither — it’s more like being stuck at a really bad wedding.

6. Justice League It fell between the portentiousness of Zach Snyder and the snarkiness of Joss Whedon (who took over directing duties from Snyder after a family tragedy), and the profoundly mediocre result was anything but super.

5. Beauty and the Beast See needless remakes, above.

4. Baywatch And you thought Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle was going to be Dwayne Johnson’s lamest pop-culture retread of 2017? Not even close.

3. mother! Can Jennifer Lawrence sue Darren Aronofsky for subjecting her to this brutally awful experience? Better yet, can I?

2. Baby Driver It wasn’t Kevin Spacey’s most egregious offense of 2017. But it was close. (I’m talking about his toupee! What did you think I meant?)

Fan_AnselElgortKevinSpacey_

And yes, there was a worse movie this year than mother! and Baby Driver

The Snowman! And yet my post, 5 Reasons Why the Snowman Blows, didn’t generate much traffic. Are people not interested in Michael Fassbender movies? (The evidence is mounting.) Or is “sucks” just a better headline word than “blows”?

Correction: The Snowman both sucks and blows.

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